I Have My Moment

I just smacked Dylan really really hard with his own sword toy. And I’m not proud of it. That’s why I wrote this as soon as I can so that this can be a reminder for me. And you all can report me and I could have gone to the jail. I rarely hit or smack the kids when they are naughty and gone crazy. But I do scream, so I don’t know which one worse.

This evening he wanted to have ‘something’ like he always says every time he wants something unhealthy, like sweets, chips, chocolates, etc. And I said you can’t because I’m making your dinner. And he went ballistic, so did I. I just didn’t have all my patience today. I’m trying to be a good mother for both of them, most of the time I can pass that task. But just not today. For no reasons I feel depress again. I feel tired and fed up with my world. I’m sick and bored with my day to day life. Looking after the kids, doing errands around the house, walking the dog, cooking, cleaning, taking the kids to Kindy and this and that lesson. Be there for them 7/24. By myself for the whole time. I want to cry, but I don’t know why. I feel heavy and can’t breath. I feel like wanna chuck Sam the dog to the bin. I’m so angry that he chewed every thing when we were not home. I feel like I am also the dog’s slave who demanding his walk every day otherwise every thing in the back yard will get damaged. Digging and chewing on almost every thing. Really, I am actually thinking of giving up Sam. I just can’t handle both him and the children anymore. Of course I can’t and don’t want to give up my children. So Sam is the best option in here.

Why oh why….I have to put up with all these things? Why am I not that strong so that I can be able to tackle all the daily task and God, please give me tons and tons of patience. And millions of love and caring toward my children and that stupid dog of us. Though after I smacked Dylan I explained and apologised to him. I gave him a long big cuddle and tell him that I love him very very much. Couple minutes later he was fine and back jumping on the couch again. But I still feel guilty.

I hate my world today!

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