A Touch of Panic

Almost about three weeks ago I found lumps on my right breast. When I visited my GP she wanted me to have an ultrasound scan. While I was waiting at the ultra sound scan place I was very nervous. And it became worse when the sonographer checked on me and found even more lumps on my left breast. Worsen, she asked me to wait right there, half-naked, for her to consult the doctor. I didn’t know how to explain how scared I was at that time. It terrifies me in almost indescribable ways. I felt half wanting to throw up and couldn’t breath, I was so panic. It felt forever I was waiting for her to come back to the room. Thank God when she did came back it was clear that what I have are cyst or benign, meaning it is not cancerous. But because some of them are hiding under my breast tissue so the ultra sound scanner can not really detect 100% what they are, so they suggested me to have a biopsy.

From there I had another appointment with my GP and although she was sure that they are all benign she wanted me to have another scan and possible a biopsy to make sure it wasn’t something dangerous at the special breast clinic hospital. She just wanted to confirm that they are 100% benign. 

On the day I had to go for a biopsy I almost fainted and couldn’t breath at the car park. I was still so scared about the result. Lucky, Daniel came along with me. Prior to my biopsy I had asked my friend who had a similar situation like me before, and she said whatever I do just don’t look at the needle because I’ll freak out as it is a very big needle. So I did what she said. Only Daniel knew how horrible big the needle was. The doctor who did the biopsy was a very nice woman, she comforted me that she was sure every thing was ok. She calmed me down who at this stage already in tears and panic attack. The whole procedure probably took about half and hour and it was mostly painless, except for the first needle prick when she numbed the area.

When my result came it was a big relief for me. It was like I can breathe and live my life normal again. It was such a roller coaster emotional weeks during my entire life so far. I still have to go for a scan regularly once every six months just for precaution. My doctor says breast cancer if it detects early it can be cured. It is important for women from any age (even as young as 17 years old) to check themselves regularly, though what is caused breast cancer mostly are genetic and hormones. Plus a healthy diet is also recommended.

I often read or hear about people get breast cancer, but never that I thought it would be came near to me. I know I do not have breast cancer. But the moment I found lumps on my breast I felt my whole world was collapsed. I was very scared and stressed. I couldn’t help my mind thinking of the worse case going to happen. This was when it was kind of hit me that so far I have taken my life for granted. I didn’t appreciate what I have in my life as I should. I was a bitter and cold person who only thought of myself, I was selfish and often gave hard time to my husband and children. I had no sympathy or care to others. In general I was a real bitch. I felt this was a big slap from God. I know you may think it’s ridiculous and nonsense what’s God gotta do between being a bitch and lumps in your breast? But I still believe in God, I believe in karma, and I just felt this way.

To this day I feel I am bit a better person inside and outside. I probably still the old me, still bitching and gossiping, but I know in my heart I have had forgiven and forgotten those who dislike me or hurt my feeling intentionally or unintentionally, and I appreciate life more than ever. I cherish the time I can spend with my two lovely Boys, I can accept them as whatever they are. I would never going to compare them with other kids and wanting them to be like them. I know they are not perfect, they can’t speak accurately and properly, they don’t use their manner, but at least I know they are raised in a happy, casual, informal, and relaxing atmosphere which are what Daniel and I like . The most important thing is that they grow up as a content, balanced, and healthy children.

I didn’t want to write about this before. Because first I thought it was a bit personal to blog about my breast in internet. And then I’m thinking this is my blog, right, so I should be able to write about anything and everything I want, in my risk of course. Also by writing this I can re-read again and again later as a reminder . What had happened to me this time help me putting my life in to a different perspective. That being happy and good health are the two major thing. That family and true friends are always there for you, no matter what.



One thought on “A Touch of Panic

  1. Ri, abis baca ini aku baru ngeh kalo ternyata kamu panik beneran yah waktu itu, soale waktu kamu crita tadi siang aku nggak ngira kamu segitu takutnya 🙂 Glad to know all is well *whew!*


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